When I first heard that Chris Rock of all people was trying to resurrect the “Saw” franchise for a ninth film, I honestly wasn’t sure what to think.
Subsequent tidbits about the movie seemed designed to reassure long-time fans to have faith, such as news that Darren Lynn Bousman was returning to direct his fourth (?!?) film in the franchise, even as early publicity photos focused more on Rock and Samuel L. Jackson’s involvement than the gory carnage that the “Saw” moniker all-but-guarantees.
Slowly, and likely due to more than a year of Covid-19 confinement, I allowed myself to get excited, especially when Lionsgate made the bold decision to move the release date and position “Spiral: From the Book of Saw” to launch the 2021 summer movie season in early May.
I went from not knowing what I thought about the idea to eagerly anticipating how I would feel when I finally sat down inside a dark movie theater to watch it. Would it be amazing and on par with the 2004 original? Would it help spark its own slew of sequels?
Well, folks, I’ve now seen “Spiral,” and I can tell you both what I think and how I feel.
I think this is quite possibly one of the worst horror sequels I’ve ever seen and I feel really, really pissed that I patiently waited more than a year to go back to a movie theater, only to be greeted by this abomination of a misguided reboot.
And trust me, I’m a fan.
For 13 years, I went to see every installment in a theater, even past the point where all originality had been bled from the series and the only sound you could hear was the strain of gears as some new, cockamamie Rube Goldberg death trap whirred into motion.
I kept watching the “Saw” movies even when you literally needed a cheat sheet to remember how certain characters played into the ever-more-convoluted narrative that defied logic.
But this, this new iteration, is worse, not if only but because it should have been so much better.
For one, it’s Rock’s worst outing as an actor going all the way back to his 1998 turn in “Lethal Weapon 4,” and I’m not even counting the “Grown Ups” franchise. At points throughout, you sincerely wonder what the hell he’s even doing in this movie.
Rock literally embodies every tired cop cliché that movie fans absolutely despise. He’s a lone wolf detective. He’s the son of the former police chief. He’s a pariah for ratting out a fellow cop for killing an innocent witness. He loses his mind when he gets stuck with a partner he doesn’t want.
He’s also a dick whose own marriage has collapsed and who offers the most horrible relationship advice about women to his new partner, William (Max Minghella).
No one — not you, not me, not anyone — would want Rock’s Det. Zeke Banks working on their case, and yet he bullies his way into the lead slot to oversee what looks like the first in a Jigsaw-themed copycat murder spree.
I’m convinced the only reason Jackson accepted this gig is so he can say ‘motherfucker’ in yet another movie. He brings nothing to the story or to the screen, which is seriously disappointing.
In fact, every single cop depicted in “Spiral” is basically the worst of the worst of the worst. They’re all crooked. They’re all despicable human beings. There’s no one to root for, other than the Jigsaw copycat, whose identity is such a poorly kept secret that I actually chortled aloud when it was finally confirmed.
If you can’t pull for the good guys and you’re wholly underwhelmed by the bad guy, the only thing you have, at least with a “Saw” film, is the anticipation of extreme gore, and yet somehow even that disappoints.
As a longtime fan of Bousman’s work, I’m genuinely perplexed as to how he missed the mark here, but none of the kills will likely satisfy horror fans.
Part of the blame for that is because none of the traps set by the Jigsaw copycat are logical, much less functional.
In fact, most of the “Spiral” traps are so elaborate that you would need an entire team of Jigsaw copycat killers working around the clock to ensure that these intricate devices actually go off as intended, given how many interlocking pieces are required to be set in motion at exactly the right time.
Seriously, the first “Saw” focused on a guy who had to decide whether to saw through his own ankle in order to survive, while his captor lay prone on the floor mere feet away, and it was thoroughly compelling and captivating.
This isn’t figuring out how to make oxygen on Mars.
It should be far less complicated to come up with creative ways to off people, or so one might think.
The kills and the traps also don’t jibe with the script by Josh Stolberg and Pete Goldfinger, which basically says that the whole reason someone new is taking Jigsaw’s place is because of a very personal vendetta.
Nothing in “Spiral” feels personal, or fueled by anger and grief.
Nope, it all feels designed to do nothing more than make money with as little effort as possible, which is honestly astounding given how much real-world tension there is right now between law enforcement and social activists that could have, should have influenced a far better, considerably grittier take on “Saw.”
John W. Allman has spent more than 25 years as a professional journalist and writer, but he’s loved movies his entire life. Good movies, awful movies, movies that are so gloriously bad you can’t help but champion them. Since 2009, he has cultivated a review column and now a website dedicated to the genre films that often get overlooked and interviews with cult cinema favorites like George A. Romero, Bruce Campbell and Dee Wallace. Contact him at Blood Violence and Babes.com, on Facebook @BloodViolenceBabes or on Twitter @BVB_reviews.
