It was always going to happen. No, actually, scrub that. It was never going to happen. It was never meant to happen. Three of the beloved faces of Bucks Fizz -- yes, that's the Bucks Fizz, winners of the 1981 Eurovision Song Contest and the world's greatest ambassadors for primary colours and detachable lower bodywear -- are headlining a massive Brexit gig. Cheryl, Jay and Mike, will play BPop Live (yes, that is unfortunately what it is called) at the 15,000-capacity NEC in Birmingham. As the website Politico put it: "Move over Glastonbury."
It's all so confusing, though. Because they are not actually Bucks Fizz anymore. Following a disagreement (and presumably much angry rending of lower body garments), the name is owned by Bobby G, the fourth original member and the only one not performing at BPop Live. Only he can perform as Bucks Fizz. Cheryl, Jay and Mike replaced Bobby G with Bobby McVay and now perform under the catchy title "Cheryl, Mike and Jay, Formerly of Bucks Fizz, With Special Guest Bobby McVay." It's a name change even Prince would be impressed by.
So what persuaded Cheryl, Mike and Jay, Formerly of Bucks Fizz, With Special Guest Bobby McVay (please keep up) to grace the venue Prince himself last played on his Nude Tour in 1990? Surely Nigel Farage must have made the conference call. "Guys. It's Nigel. Farage. I'm calling you from the pub. I'm always in the pub, guys!" There is the sound of much beer slurping in the background. It actually sounds like Nigel making the sounds himself.
"Guys. We are putting together the line-up for BPop Live. Don't imagine for a second that I am calling you because 5ive, Alesha Dixon, East 17 and Sister Sledge have all pulled out of this line-up. I'm calling you because we want Bucks Fizz." There comes the sound of a bell ringing and someone saying in a high-pitched Cockney accent "Last orders, please" even though it is 4.37pm on a Wednesday. The voice is clearly Nigel Farage impersonating Barbara Windsor.
Cheryl speaks first. The noise of her absent-mindedly picking at the velcro on her skirt can be heard in the background. The velcro has almost lost all its power after years of ripping on and off. "Bonjour, Nigel. Look. We love a gig and we love the NEC. It will be great to rip our skirts off on the same iconic stage where Prince performed The Nude Tour. But you can't call us Bucks Fizz."
Nigel pretends to splutter on a pint on the other end of the phone. It is obvious he is actually drinking a cup of black tea his German wife has made for him. "Sorry, I almost spilled my extremely large pint of beer there. It's my fourth today, you know." Jay pipes up: "We are Cheryl, Mike and Jay, Formerly of Bucks Fizz, With Special Guest Bobby McVay." The sound of her skirt swooping up to the ceiling is clearly audible.
Nigel Farage briefly impersonates the beeping sounds of a fruit machine before responding thoughtfully: "That's OK, guys. Call yourselves whatever you want. Just as long as you do the skirt ripping thing." At the other end it's Mike's turn to speak. He runs his fingers through his artfully blowdried hair, its extremities bedevilled with split ends after years of being skimmed by skirts flying through the air. "We'll call you back, Nigel. Assume it's a yes. We just need to check with our velcro supplier first."
