Hello. I am an adult person. I can reproduce. I am capable of reason. I have free will. And last month I created a Twitter account devoted to tweeting all of the latest Claire Danes news. I enjoy Claire Danes's acting as well as her offscreen persona, likely to an unhealthy extent. That is why I will now spend my time finding and tweeting links to news stories, photos, and anecdotes pertaining to Claire Danes.
I have a job. I pay taxes. I am the apex of biological evolution. I have created a Google alert dedicated to Claire Danes so that I can do a good job tweeting about Claire Danes.
I thought of several Twitter handles for the account—@MySoCalledClaire, @HomeLandClaire, and @ClaireDanesNewzzzzz. I wrestled with the decision. I slept on it. I decided on @MySoCalledClaire. (It is a reference to her work on the television show "My So-Called Life" but I replaced "Life" with Claire Danes's first name, Claire.)
I am fully aware that my time on this Earth is finite. Claire Danes is pretty.
If Claire Danes does an interview with a magazine, I will tweet that. If Claire Danes is spotted grocery shopping, I will tweet that. If Jeremy Renner is spotted grocery shopping, I will not tweet that because Jeremy Renner is not Claire Danes. Neither is Tommy Lee Jones. Every Thursday I do "Throwback Thursday," where I tweet a "Classic Claire Moment" from early in her career. One Thursday I forgot. I felt that I had let everyone down, and wanted to die.
No one asked me to tweet about Claire Danes. No one is paying me to tweet about Claire Danes. Claire Danes does not know who I am. If Claire Danes met me and I told her about my Twitter account, I assume she would want to ask, "Why do you do that?"
I have 4,547 followers so far, and I would like to get many more followers. The prospect of getting more followers for my Claire Danes Twitter account excites me more than my son.
Hello. I am another adult person. My species invented penicillin and put a man on the moon. I like seeing pictures of Claire Danes. I like reading news articles about Claire Danes. If Claire Danes does something silly on a late-night talk show, I like watching a clip of it online, sometimes ten to twenty-five times. That is why I now follow the Twitter account @MySoCalledClaire.
I can vote. I do vote. My votes count toward electing the leader of the United States of America. I must know what is going on with Claire Danes.
I actually follow several Twitter accounts devoted to Claire Danes, including @CelebNewsClaireDaines, @NotTheRealClaireDanes, and @RomeoAndClaire—a reference to the William Shakespeare play "Romeo and Juliet," which was adapted into a film by Baz Luhrmann that starred Claire Danes in the role of Juliet Capulet.
I am allowed to purchase guns.
I own guns.
One thing that makes me happy about @MySoCalledClaire is that it does "Throwback Thursday," where it tweets a photo of a "Classic Claire Moment" from early in her acting career. One Thursday, however, it did not do a Throwback Thursday tweet. I became upset. I had come to rely on Throwback Thursday.
SERIOUSLY, WHAT THE FUCK!
Claire Danes does not know who I am. If Claire Danes met me and I told her how much I enjoyed the Claire Danes Twitter accounts I follow, she would probably ask, "Why do you care about these things?"
I will never not be this way.
Ha!
Hello. I am Hollywood actress Claire Danes. I am aware of the Twitter accounts that are devoted to my every move, and I can say, without a shadow of a doubt, that I absolutely love them. I think that they are really, really cool.
I look at them often and think, "Whoever took the time to start this Twitter account and tweet links about me at remarkably consistent fifteen-minute intervals is totally awesome and someone I would want to be friends with forever."
In fact, if you have a Claire Danes Twitter account or follow a Claire Danes Twitter account, please send me an e-mail at Terminator3RiseOfTheMachinesClaire@gmail.com (The e-mail address is a reference to the third Terminator film, which I starred in, along with Arnold Schwarzenegger.) I'd love to hear from you. Actually, you know what? Don't even bother sending me an e-mail. Just come on over to my house. I live at 2198 Maplewood Drive, Beverly Hills, CA 90210.
Tell the security guard at the front gate that you're the people who tweet about me and he'll let you right in.
Side Note: The person who runs @MySoCalledClaire is not invited to my house. If he or she is reading this, where the fuck was last Thursday's "Classic Claire Moment" tweet? Truthfully, I have never been more disappointed in anyone than I was in you that day. You did not do a good job tweeting about me. You should be ashamed of yourself. You are a bad person. You should die.
Bye!
