Kelly Rowland’s Family Is an Expression of Love

You’re in London, Kelly Rowland is performing “Finally,” and she is effervescent. Her voice is floating over the crowd like bubbles or balloons or magic. She is beautiful. She is acrobatic. It’s infectious. And you notice that there is something about experiencing a master that makes you feel masterful, too.

Like Surya Bonaly’s supernatural Olympic flips, or bell hooks’ pivotal explanation of love, Rowland is flawless enough to make you feel like you can do a back handspring, spontaneously choreograph the perfect words, or nail a high “C."

Maybe you can glide and sail and do all of the things she can do.

Though it may all feel like magic—a decades-long career, the camaraderie between her spirited sons (Titan, 8, and Noah, 2), the easy romance she shares with her husband Tim Witherspoon, and her chosen family—the magic of love, in Kelly Rowland’s life, like the charm of music, hasn’t been magic at all.

It has been hard work.

Kinship

We met Rowland when she was just a child, through Girls Tyme, Destiny’s Child, and, eventually, we knew her through an impressive solo career. She is a five-time Grammy winner and an undeniable part of the canon of American pop music. Everyone sings the lyrics to classics like “Dilemma,” “When Love Takes Over,” “Bootylicious,” and “Survivor”—and there are dozens more hits. Her career now spans music, acting, philanthropy, design, and authorship, with the multi-hyphenate performing most recently at Mighty Hoopla. 

“I’m grateful for my career. The fact that my dreams started as young as Titan and here I am. It still blows my mind. I’m here at 42 and the seeds I sowed at 15 I’m still able to pick fruit from. That is a really big blessing to me,” says Rowland in an interview with Kindred by Parents.

But as she’s begun to open up, we’ve learned that her parents were estranged, and that, as a teenager, she barred her father from her Destiny’s Child performances as he was trying to connect with her. Raised by a single mother who nannied just like her own mother before her, Rowland’s story is an all-American bootstraps epic. Everything from her amazing partner in parenting to her celebrity mom friends to her spot in the greatest girl group of all time is its own page in her triumph. Still, they don’t create a fairy tale.

Behind the scenes, the friendships that Destiny’s Child was built upon evolved into a sisterhood, and Miss Tina became Mama T. Like in so many Black families before Kelly’s, lifelong bonds were secured with fictitious kinship or chosen family. The people she met through her career have helped advise her, keep her afloat, and are often a crucial part of the village raising her children.

“I call them my family,” says Rowland. “And it’s so funny, because I always tell God, ‘I’m good on friends. Like you don’t have to—we’re good.’ And He’ll send someone that is not about me. It’s about my kids.”

“I’m so grateful for my village. My husband's mother is a wonderful part of our village. My Mama T is a part of my village, of course. My sisters [from Destiny’s Child] are a great part of my village,” says Rowland. “When they come in the house, me and Tim don't exist. It's more so, ‘Where the babies?’ It’s that first.”

She recalls times when friends picked her kids up for basketball games or movies. She remembers Titan’s excitement when he met his favorite basketball players or the sweetness of witnessing him holding hands and eating popcorn with award-winning singer Ciara.

In the same way that God sends Rowland friends that become family, she says that when her son Titan asked for a baby brother, he received—first from above and then from his mother.

She thought it was natural that Titan name the sibling he’d wanted for years. Still, she came up with a list. “Don’t laugh at me,” she warns: Beau, Sphere, and Noah.

“I was out of town and I call Titan to check in on him. And he’s like, ‘Mommy, I got a name,’ I said, ‘What’s the baby’s name?’ He said, ‘Noah,’ and my mouth dropped. I said, ‘You’re right baby,’ I was emotional, hormonal, talking about, ‘His name is Noah,’” Rowland laughs.

She says the synergy was affirming for her.

“It was on my list and we hadn’t talked about it. So, I felt like Noah was just waiting to come down and grace us with his presence.”

Practical Magic

There’s no question that Rowland has experienced favor in her life. But that doesn’t mean she’s not still diligently plugging away in the background. When asked how she’d experienced the typical postpartum neurological changes that make parents’ brains more plastic, she says she’s been inspired to consider herself more deeply and to work even harder, for her children.

Rowland has been open about going to therapy and parenting is, admittedly, most of what she talks about there. She says she spends much of her free time, like so many mothers do, looking up parenting advice on Instagram.

“I'm sure some people will be like, ‘What are you talking about, parenting anxiety?’ That's real. My algorithm on Instagram is all parenting. It's so much [about] how to speak—you get down to their level. There's a lovely Middle Eastern woman on there. She shows you three steps to meet your child where they are when they're angry. I'm like, ‘Okay, okay, okay. Got it!’ I'm literally that person,” she laughs.

Since 2016, there has been a push, on Instagram and elsewhere, towards developmentally appropriate, evidence-based, and positive parenting methods rooted in a pedagogy of mental healthcare. Reviews are mixed. Especially for Black families, who often focus, necessarily, on taking generational leaps, the methods espoused by gentle parenting experts are undoubtedly challenging, but the prize—emotionally intelligent and empathetic children who are able to draw healthy boundaries—appears to be worth it. 

Rowland says she has learned to get on Titan’s level to have hard conversations, which is especially meaningful for his 8-year-old brain, “the only brain that matters at that moment.” She’s planting seeds of accountability in Noah who, like many toddlers, is spreading a toothy grin one moment and hauling off and hitting his brother the next. She is adopting Stanford psychologist Carol Dweck’s growth mindset and takes Nipsey Hussle’s philosophy on instilling integrity.

“I wanted my boys to have integrity and I got that from Nipsey Hussle. It's amazing to me that he would talk to his kids about making the right decision even when no one is watching. That was everything,” says Rowland. “Nobody knows how much, how hard you work but you do it because you love it. I want them to be the kind of men who are proud of themselves. That's really important to me—being good decision-makers.”

Rowland remembers helping Titan to calm down from a small upset. After deep breathing, she had him visualize “Footprints in the Sand” by Mary Stevenson. Titan confirmed that he could see his own footprints and God’s, the expanse of the sky and the blue of the ocean in his mind’s eye.

“I said, ‘That's God next to you at all times. That's how close he is. You saw how big the ocean was? How big the sky was?’ I was like, ‘That's God. He’s always next to us,’” says Rowland. 

"[Titan said] ‘But he has so many other people to be next to. How does he do that?’ I was like, ‘These are a lot of questions, bro. You gotta call grandma,’” she chuckles.

Embracing Mistakes

For Rowland, nurturing her children is easy. Like so many millennial parents, it’s the weight of her mistakes that is hard to bear.

“The parenting fails for me is when I don't have enough in my cup. And by accident, I might just say the wrong thing. Like, ‘Go back to the other room,’ instead of saying, ‘You know what? Titan I need a minute.’ It's not knowing how to regulate myself and I do it in the wrong way,” says Rowland. “I just took a peek at this book, The Body Keeps the Score. I always think about like, ‘What did that just cost them? How did I just say that to them?’”

“I was blessed enough to bring this little gift forth—and out. The only job I have is don’t f–k it up.” 

Rowland spoke about one of her most memorable parenting moments, on Yeah, I F–cked That Up with Billy Mann. She flew back from Australia where she was filming The Voice, nearly 14 hours each way, to spend a few short hours with Titan, who missed her terribly.

“I would have two weeks away from Titan and it would break my heart because he would do something new or ‘Mommy, look what I did.’ And the time difference sucked. It was a lot. And I would be in the car on the way to the airport boo-hoo and crying,” says Rowland.

When she got home and saw Titan’s reaction, she knew the trip was worth it. Rowland says that as she’s entered a season of spending more time in the studio, that means being cognizant of her sons’ schedules and making sure she is free when they are free.

“I had a come-to-Jesus moment, as they say, where I said, ‘Something is going to suffer.’ By accident,” says Rowland. She simply made a conscious decision that it wouldn’t be her relationship with her children. She even penned a children’s book with educator Jessica McKay about the struggle of being a working parent titled Always with You, Always with Me.

So instead of saying “Yes,” to every project or working hours that are untenable, Rowland spends time baking cookies with Titan, whose arm is usually draped around her as they chat, plan, and read cooking instructions. She has endless blissful conversations about all of the kinds of sharks in the ocean. She watches him shoot hoops.

“If we're gonna grow our kids, like, let's be lost in their interests and the things that bring them joy. Let's have joy with them about it,” says Rowland.

“I'll sit out here and watch him do basketball or do whatever it is that he loves so much because I want him to know that I see it. It's wonderful,” says Rowland. “It's worth celebrating. You’re worth celebrating. Your try is worth celebrating. I love all that is you.”

This is what it’s really like to break generational chains. It is late nights and red-eye flights, it is calming moments in the midst of tantrums. It is thoughtfully considering your parents’ parenting style—and maybe your grandparents’—and then the experts, and hoping that the ratios of love to discipline, of fun to education, are just right so your child will have the very best. It is the act of love.

“I just want to get this right. I want to really be a part of bringing some really amazing young man forth into the world. That was my only prayer,” says Rowland. "I don't know why I'm emotional, but my only prayer was to have really great young Black men in this world who were sure of themselves and didn't have to be told who they were. I really cared about that because the narrative is tough as it is.”

“I hate to mess up. But I'm literally giving myself grace,” says Rowland. “I'm learning that maybe all of the decisions that my mom made were not the greatest decisions. And I'm trying to change that this generation.”

Reconnecting

Recently, Rowland seems to be having a full-circle moment. She has been speaking in depth about the way she was raised. She shared the affirmations she writes on her children’s mirror to start the school year. She is vulnerable in a beautiful way.

In a few months, work will begin to redevelop the Rowland-Knowles House in Houston, Texas through Bread of Life, Inc. and the American Rescue Plan. When it’s finished at the end of 2024, the building will provide permanent housing for unhoused Houstonians and offer a range of services. “St. John's United Methodist Church was a refuge,” says Rowland, and Houston is a “sweet space” that represents dreams and possibilities.

Last year, in an interview with TODAY, Rowland and her father opened up about reuniting after a 30-year estrangement. She says the relationship has been rekindled, in part, through Sunday morning Facetimes and pictures Kelly and Tim upload to a digital picture frame.

“It just melts my heart because my dad really, really wanted to see us, be around us. We call him every Sunday from the bed and we do this whole thing where we're just sitting on the bed, we're chilling, and we're watching cartoons. It's his favorite thing in the world,” says Rowland. “He loves being a grandpa. If he lived in LA, he would run them everywhere.”

Though reconciling with her father may have revealed more about her mother’s story, it did not make Rowland love or respect her less.

“Her affection game was on a trillion. If you sat next to her, she sat next to you and she smiled the biggest smile. Or she tells you how wonderful you are, how beautiful you are. My mom was definitely that person,” says Rowland.

Perhaps this warmth provided the backdrop for the life she’s creating with her kids. And if real joy is the end goal, Kelly Rowland is a gymnast, precariously measuring the moves to land it.

“Somebody told me recently: ‘I just want you to know your mom's really proud of you.’ The first thing I thought about was how I am with my kids because I'll see a mistake and I want to fix it immediately,” says Rowland. “I feel for her and her journey and motherhood because it was so stressful for her and she handled it the best way she knew how.” 

“I remember after her passing—months or maybe a year later—I understood motherhood a little bit more. And I just looked at [up at] her and I said, ‘I get it. I get it,’” she says.