Hello Volzy. Can Small Talk call you Volzy?
[Laughing] Whatever you want, I'm not fussed.
[Small Talk's bowels loosen slightly at the prospect of calling an actual Premiership player by his nickname] Is it frustrating playing for a club such as Fulham, knowing you'll never realistically challenge for the title?
[Thoughtfully] Not really, because we have other goals and it's a challenge just to get near those clubs; last season Tottenham nearly did it. And of course, a Uefa Cup place is a very attractive proposition, while there's always a chance to pick up some silverware in one of the domestic cups.
Fulham aren't the biggest club in the world, but you've managed to hang around in the Premiership for a while now. What's the secret of your success?
Well, to stay in the Premiership for as long as we have for a club our size is an achievement, but to call it success would be too much. Success would be to play in Europe. Staying in the Premiership is a target, but it's the lowest target we set ourselves. For us, a top-10 finish and possibly even Europe is what we're looking for.
And how can you get into Europe?
It's about consistency - that's where we tend to struggle. We need to find a way of winning away from home; we do well enough in London, but not so good away from the capital, so we always have to rely on our very good home form. You also need a strong squad that can handle injuries.
You've lined up alongside some decent players in your time. Who's the best?
There were so many great players when I was at Arsenal: Dennis Bergkamp, Patrick Vieira, Thierry Henry. It was just a joy to go training every day, some of the players would pull off unbelievable tricks that I couldn't even dream about doing.
Should Arsenal sell Henry? Some people say he's looked dodgy recently...
If you've got Thierry Henry you should never even think about selling him. [Very slowly] No. Way.
Small Talk was over in Cologne before the World Cup...
[Excitedly] Have you been there? That's near where I'm from! [A brief and informative speech ensues, during which Volzy praises Cologne's sporting heritage, riverside walks and nightlife.]
Small Talk couldn't agree more. The stadium was beautiful and, more importantly, the tickets were cheap too. Could the Premiership learn something from the Bundesliga about how to treat fans?
I don't think German clubs necessarily give more back to the fans. The Premiership generates more money because it is marketed better. It's watched all over the world, while the Bundesliga isn't. That's why Sky only showed Bundesliga matches for a year; there just wasn't the interest. If Bundesliga clubs want to compete in Europe, they can't afford to cut prices too much. But it's a shame when fans can't afford to come and see games in England, and we don't play in front of a full crowd. In Germany crowds are going up, whereas here they're dropping slightly. Maybe we do need to look to the Bundesliga and learn something.
We hear you're currently studying for your A-Level biology?
I took my first lot of exams over Christmas and they didn't go too well, but I can take them again. I think I'm going to need to do a bit of work over the summer - read a bit of biology every morning. It's easier than my maths A-Level though [in which Volzy got a very handy B] which was a real bugger.
Apart from the small bonus of being a Premiership footballer, what is the best thing about living in England?
The weather.
The weather?
Yes, it's not as bad as people say it is. England has to be one of the most beautiful countries in the world when the sun is out. [Almost outraged] People have this idea, probably from Agatha Christie and Sherlock Holmes, that England's always rainy, but it's nice and mild: you have flowers blossoming here as early as February. I can't knock the weather, but mind you I've never lived in Middlesbrough.
And you're a fan of the Hoff...
Well, as soon as I stepped foot on this island as a German I was labelled as a Hoff-worshipper, so I thought I would take it to ridiculous levels and really take the piss. I'm not a fan of the man, but of how an often ridiculous figure can create such hype. Unfortunately a lot of people didn't get it and took me seriously and now I have this [wearily] never-ending story. It worked out a lot better in my head than it did in real life.
Gah, so much for the English sense of irony...
Yeah, [with relish] and usually I hate celebrities who are famous just for being themselves - people on Big Brother who are famous just for sitting in a house, going to the toilet or wondering how to make a bowl of cereal. But with the Hoff it's fascinating: is this a man who knows how to exploit his reputation or is he just full of himself? It's probably a bit of both.
And you like the OC? [No further prompting needed] Oh yeah, I'm a big fan. During pre-season two years ago I got the OC on DVD and I went through season one in no time. It was just so ... [searches for the right word] addictive. I don't know what's so appealing, but I'm mad for the show, even though the standard has dropped recently, I'm still attached to it.
Small Talk would recommend The Wire season one.
The Wire? [A brief and informative speech ensues, during which Small Talk praises The Wire's writing, acting and moral ambiguity] To be fair, I've tried to stop myself from watching any more boxsets because I also got hooked on Desperate Housewives. When I first heard the title and what it was about I thought it sounded like the most ridiculous show in the world. But then I watched one or two episodes and now I think it's hilarious and in a way it reflects America and what it's about. [Laughing] But if I carry on I think the biology's going to suffer.
As a fan of some of Channel 4's finest shows, you must have noticed Chris Coleman's resemblance to T4's Steve Jones?
I've always thought he's a bit more like Sandy Cohen. Similar hair.
Well, they're both popular with ladies of a certain age. You're a bit of a cook too, what's your speciality?
It was steak and mashed potatoes until two weeks ago when I discovered pasta with fennel and salami: I love the strong taste of salami with the very individual taste of the fennel.
Torsten Frings admitted to watching a bit of adult entertainment on an away trip the other day: ever tempted yourself?
[Emphatically] No. Why would you send that to anyone? [Chuckling] And I especially wouldn't watch it before a match.
Top advice, Volzy. Small Talk's reputation at GU Towers still hasn't recovered from the time its attempts to order Waterworld on a press trip went horribly wrong. Anyway, last CD you bought?
The Fray [not much cop according to GU Music desk, but then again what do they know?]
Who they?
[Incredulous] You've never heard of them? They're on the radio all the time! They're very rhythmic and pretty chilled out too. I also really like David Gray, Sterophonics are good before a match, Ray LaMontagne. Ryan Adams is pretty good too.
A fan of the singer-songwriter, eh?
Yes. [Decisively] I have to see more gigs in London, I was in London for seven years before I saw my first live concert. I've heard the Brixton Academy is a great venue. There's so much on offer it's quite worrying it took me that long.
No worries, footballers have done far worse. Favourite film?
I don't have one. I struggle to have a favourite anything, I like so many things. But anything with Owen Wilson and Ben Stiller is quality. I also like films with a bit of historical background too.
Scarlett Johansson or Summer out of the OC?
[A good 30 seconds of thinking] If I had to pick, I would go for Summer just because she's in the OC and sometimes Scarlett Johansson can be a little bit ... scary.
Lion v Tiger: who takes who?
If it was a lioness, the lioness would win, she'd probably beat the lion too. [Seriously] But the lion does have the muscle and the strength, which means it can sit around and have a good time in the shade.
Room 101?
Paperwork. All the crap that comes though the post and takes loads of time to fill out. Bureaucracy is crap.
And would you rather be the greatest rock star or the greatest footballer of all time?
Greatest footballer because that's something I'd like to be now. Although it would be tempting to make use of my great voice and be the greatest rock star. [Musing] Maybe that's something I can do after my career.
Can you tell us a joke
[Deadpan] No, I'm German. I love telling jokes, but I'm the worst storyteller in the world, I always forget it halfway through.
Is Gary Lineker the smuggest man on television?
No, he does a very good job. What I do hate is seeing myself on television. [Laughing] I just can't bear to watch myself, whether it's playing or doing an interview. I just think [gasps] "Why are you doing that? Your facial expressions are really weird." [Sadly] I hate to look at myself on TV.
Ah, come on now. You're a decent man. You do a lot of work for the Prince's Trust...
Yes, it's good work. We help guys just out of school or who are unemployed. We try and give them a bit of confidence and motivation. It's great work.
Good stuff, thanks for your time, Volzy
No problem, Small Talk.