LOS ANGELES -- Although I have never owned a weapon more terrifying than a squirt gun, I sometimes wonder how far the Second Amendment’s misinterpretation can be stretched before it gets way more ludicrous than it already is.
Opponents of gun control always sing the same tedious aria -- that any regulation of firearms would violate a strict interpretation of the Constitution. But given that profoundly unnuanced argument shouldn’t all weapons be legal? Shouldn’t “strict interpretation” include serious artillery? You know, like the Normandy stuff.
In short, if you can buy a military-style assault weapon like the ever-popular AR-15, why can’t you buy a much bigger weapon, like say, a tank?
You can. Even online.
An award-winning novelist and former magazine editor who co-authored the movie, “Blue Streak,” John Blumenthal’s work has appeared in The Los Angeles Times, The Chicago Sun-Times, Playboy, Publishers’ Weekly, Salon and Huffington Post. This was written for The Plain Dealer and cleveland.com.
I’m not a law professor but I am something of a Google virtuoso, so one day, in a spontaneous burst of paranoia, I decided that I’d like to know whether someone in my neighborhood could legally own a tank.
To my amazement, I learned that not only is tank ownership legal, it is legal in every state. Thankfully, most of the tanks available for purchase are expensive, vintage and nonfunctional. Often, they require modifications and can be pricey to ship since many are of foreign provenance.
Nonfunctional tanks--those that move like tanks but can’t shoot--are basically just mammoth motor vehicles with caterpillar treads instead of wheels and do an impressive job of crushing things.
Technically, purchasing a functional tank (one with an operational cannon) is legal but most civilians don’t qualify. A Destructive Device permit or license is required, and these are very seldom issued. It’s a bureaucratic hassle, background checks are thorough and even if the buyer jumps through all the hoops and is approved, operation of the tank is very limited.
Yet one might wonder why functional tanks are classified as “destructive devices” by the ATF and are subject to heavy restrictions, while the clearly destructive, military-style AR-15s, are not regulated in most states.
Many tank owners are private collectors and tank museums abound in the United States.
Arnold Schwarzenegger owns one, the same model he operated while serving in the Austrian army. Prior to buying it, the vehicle was housed at Motts Military Museum in Ohio. Sometimes his tank is the main attraction at after-school events for disadvantaged school kids that Schwarzenegger holds at his home. (Fun fact: Arnold once took Jay Leno for a ride during which he crushed a limo.)
Owning a tank has obvious downsides.
They’re painfully slow, have no trunk space and parallel parking is a nightmare. Some need 600 gallons of gas to travel 300 miles.
Certain states allow tank-owners to drive their vehicles on public roads but most limit use to private property. Modifications can be costly and commercial driver’s licenses must be secured.
For example, Ohio law allows ownership of historical vehicles that are at least 25 years old. They can only be used for exhibitions, parades, club activities and the like, but not for general transportation, and may only be driven on public roads for the purpose of maintenance. A historical license plate is required.
You don’t have to go far to buy a military vehicle in Ohio either. Uhrig Military Sales and Appraisals is located in Chillicothe.
I can’t imagine how disquieting it would be to wake up to the sight of a military tank on a neighbor’s lawn. Any vehicle that can flatten my barbecue into a metal area rug is frightening. Moreover, the presence of a tank in the neighborhood would probably affect real estate values and not in a good way.
Clearly, serious collectors of military paraphernalia find tanks appealing.
Not being one of these people, I don’t get it -- given the scrutiny, the cost and the limitations, why would anyone want such a behemoth?
They don’t even make attractive lawn ornaments.
An award-winning novelist and former magazine editor who co-authored the movie, “Blue Streak,” John Blumenthal’s work has appeared in The Los Angeles Times, The Chicago Sun-Times, Playboy, Publishers’ Weekly, Salon and Huffington Post. This was written for The Plain Dealer and cleveland.com.
Have something to say about this topic?
* Send a letter to the editor, which will be considered for print publication.
* Email general questions about our editorial board or comments or corrections on this opinion column to Elizabeth Sullivan, director of opinion, at esullivan@cleveland.com.