Rating every Winter Olympics mascot, from bear cowboys to VUCKO THE SASSY WOLF

I love Olympic mascots. This is an unironic, pure love. There’s something beautiful about their ephemeral existence where we only appreciate them for a couple of weeks before they are erased from memory.

You might be able to recall a couple of summer Olympic mascots, but I wager if you close your eyes right now and think as hard as you can, you won’t remember one Winter Olympics character. It’s OK, because I couldn’t either — and we’ve established that I LOVE Olympic mascots, so it gives us a chance to travel through time and rate these glorious temporary beasts.

Schuss — Grenoble, 1968

via Olympic.org

Schuss has the honor of being the first mascot of any Olympic games, and honestly it’s a wonder we had any more after this. Officially he’s a “Stylized skier,” but I just can’t shake this feeling a future civilization will find an old Schuss and assume it was some sort of bespoke wooden sex toy.

I don’t like Schuss. 3/10

Schneemann — Innsbruck, 1972

via Olympic.org

Art is a window into the artist’s soul, and I absolutely get that from Schneemann the snowman. There are so many times I’ve doodled a head and been like “this looks pretty good!” then screwed it up by trying to draw a body. I really enjoy that Schneemann is just a head with arms sticking out of it.

Schneemann has a fancy hat and looks like a cuddler. 8/10

Roni — Lake Placid, 1980

via Olympic.org

This is a raccoon on drugs. On the one hand I appreciate that Roni would absolutely foreshadow the coke-loving ‘80s, but those eyes just look cold and dead. I just don’t see myself loving Roni long term.

^ I wrote this before finding another photo of Roni where he looks more festive and less drug-addicted.

via Olympic.org

Roni is OK. 6/10

Vučko — Sarajevo, 1984

via Olympic.org

WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN ALL MY LIFE, VUCKO?!

I will go so far to say that not only did Sarajevo create the best Winter Olympics mascot of all time, but this might also be the best Olympic mascot ever ... period. I love his low-rent, Eastern-European style, like he’s a “Worker and Parasite” version of a Hanna-Barbera cartoon. I love that he’s crossing his fingers like he’s not sure the Olympics will go well and he is just hoping everything is fine. I love that IRL he had a nose three times larger than a human head.

via Olympic.org

I know very little about Sarajevo as a city. I know everything about Sarajevo thanks to Vučko. 10/10.

Hidy and Howdy — Calgary, 1988

via Olympic.org

I know cowboy bears shouldn’t make me this mad, but Hidy and Howdy are eliciting a visceral response from me. This is the kind of art you find on Halloween decorations your in-laws have stored in their attic since 1986. They’re smiling, but there’s so much sadness here.

Maybe it’s because they remind me of my old Teddy Ruxpin that my older cousin Alex broke when I was 6 years old because he stuck Nirvana’s Nevermind in there. Poor Ruxpin tried to keep up, his mechanical snout moving a mile a minute, until a single whiff of grey smoke wisped up like we were electing a new pope in my aunt’s living room. My Teddy Ruxpin died that day.

I hate Hidy and Howdy. 1/10.

Magique — Albertville, 1992

via Olympic.org

Stars have five points. Magique has a sixth point between his legs.

Magique is a star with a wiener. 7/10.

Håkon and Kristin — Lillehammer, 1994

via Olympic.org

Kinda torn on Håkon and Kristin. On the one hand, they’re inoffensive and fine. On the other, they look like The Children of the Corn cosplaying as vikings and stowing away on The Magic Schoolbus.

I totally get why Norway would want to embrace its viking roots, but why children? Why not like, a cool cartoon viking doing a sick 1080 on the halfpipe?

I have no strong feelings about these children. 5/10.

The Snowlets — Nagano, 1998

via Olympic.org

Technically these are supposed to be snow owls, but lets be real: They’re giant heads with legs. Yanno, I’m really into these. I get a serious Aaahh!!! Real Monsters vibe from them that I’m sure into, and this is really my aesthetic.

In person they looked goofy as hell, too.

via Olympic.org

I like these monsters. 8/10.

Powder, Copper and Coal — Salt Lake City, 2002

via Olympic.org

This fox, hare, and coyote were supposed to represent Utah’s natural resources. I don’t really get that, but I know they’re radical. I know this because two of them are wearing ski goggles and the third is licking its lips — ChapStick be damned. I like the moxie.

Good solid mascots. Nothing too special. 7/10.

Neve and Gliz — Torino, 2006

via Olympic.org

I can’t unsee it ...

I’m Mr. Meeseeks. Look at me! 7/10

Quatchi and Miga — Vancouver, 2010

via Olympic.org

Daaaaamn ... Vancouver brought the heat in 2010, eh? Quatchi the sasquatch is a character I can really relate too. Hairy, loves earmuffs — I like his weird tattoo that looks like Burning Man. Quatchi DEFINITELY goes on a pilgrimage to follow Phish around whenever they tour.

Meanwhile Miga has dope hair and a sly wink. Just cool and slick as hell.

These are proto-emojis and I love them. 9/10.

Bely Mishka, Snow Leopard and Zaika — Sochi, 2014

via Olympic.org

I dunno about these, man. Like, I’m passionate about that bear. Definitely a good bear. But all three look like the characters you’d find on a pack of unintelligible cookies in the aisle of an international grocer. You buy them and eat one only to find out it’s not chocolate in the middle, it’s salted tamarind paste of some shit.

I can only assume “Snow Leopard” never got a proper name because someone embezzled the design money for it. 6/10.

Soohorang — Pyeongchang, 2018

via Olympic.org

I honestly can’t believe it took us this long to get a 3D-animated Olympic mascot. For that point alone, Soohorang gets some points. It’s a pretty basic white tiger and there’s nothing functionally wrong with that. There’s something almost too clean about this, though. You could tell me this was already an established character that’s part of the Hello Kitty multiverse and I’d buy it.

Is it just me or do those eyebrows have a hint of evil to them? I dig it. 8/10